My eyes are still searching

I’m now in my home town Royal Leamington Spa, hanging with the family and slowing down in general. This is the first time i’m not suffering from herrendous jet lag travelling from Australia, instead it was a short trip from NYC.  Its also been four years since we lost our mother.  We have a bench dedicated to my beautiful mother at Jephson Gardens and everyday we have spent time just sitting there reminiscing the old times when our family was complete.  In particular, I remember taking our mother to Homebase and there was reminded of an incident where mom was debating to get marigolds or busy lizzies for her annual gardening projects.  We remember how she kept the local folk all happy with her jokes and generosity.

Now, walking through Leamington, I cannot help but look around and search for her kind face. I know that she is not there but her spirit is strong here, within the family, within the community and with me right now. There are things that life doesn’t explain when you lose someone so important to you that you never ever get over this loss. It doesn’t matter if one year or four years have passed, we learn to live with our loss.  There is a deep, deep sadness amongst us all and we have to keep our head up high to find the strength inside to continue with our lives in the absence of our guru our mother. My sisters twins are now five and they are beautiful. They still remember their grandmother and often have shared their own short lived experiences with me.  My other sister has a beautiful boy, James and when you see him play with my sister you just feel this loss even more. How my mother would have loved James and made life a little easier for my sister.

We have also discovered so much about ourselves since our mother leaving her body. We discovered that in each of us our mother is alive, we are all strong like her. We are loyal and generous, we like a good laugh and keep happy as much as possible. We carry on regardless rain or shine and that is a trait my mother held strong. Her wisdom is within us all, it comes out at spontaneous times.  Her knowledge and motherhood has been passed down to all of my sisters who are now mothers and they are great mothers.  They have a better understanding of how our mother project managed six children in the 1980’s as well has keep two jobs going.

As children we never felt deprived or unloved or alone in this big wide world.  Our mother knew everything about us and did so much to keep us happy and joyful. Now sometimes, the sadness brings us to realisation that we are alone and we have to do the best we can everyday. No day is a day off.  Most importantly we are responsible for ourselves, there is no dress rehearsal in life, the time is now and we all know more than anything that its limited. Coming back to Leamington Spa never is easy for me on a emotional level. I tend to hibernate and spend as much time as I can with my sisters and dad. The connection of your own family is strong, there is no other bond that knows you or accepts you as you are, and share similar joys and experiences. I was indeed reminded how fortunate I am to have a beautiful family.